When you have kids, you automatically sign up to say certain things. It's just a part of parenting. I think once conception happens, Nature trips a part of the genetic code - in both mothers and fathers - that prepares them to utter any number of things that parents have said for centuries.
- Don't run with scissors
- Don't touch the stove
- Don't play with matches
- Don't hit your sister/brother
The list goes on. A lot of basic safety and good conduct stuff. Then there are the things that your parents said to you. You know the stuff you swore you'd never say to your kids.
- Because I said so
- I'm the parent, that's why
And the ever popular, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too? Don't kid yourselves my friends. If you have kids, one day you will say something that will make you go, "Oh my god, I've become my mother/father." Trust me, it will happen. Just do it and get it over with.
This is all well and good, but it still doesn't fully prepare you. Because you will also find yourself saying things you never in your life thought you would say. Your beloved offspring will do something so arcane and unexpected, you will find yourself thinking, "I can't believe I need to say this!" Some examples below.
"Stop hitting your friend over the head with a hot dog roll."
Yes, this gem came out at The Boy's birthday party. We were at the neighborhood pool and grilling hot dogs and hamburgers. Now, I am always prepared to tell my son not to hit people with sticks or toys. But as I looked up, he was bouncing a hot dog bun off his friend's head. The friend was not helping matters by laughing hysterically. As I uttered my admonishment, I turned to another mother: "Now there's something I never thought I'd say." She was sympathetic. But the truth is, kids do weird things and any object can become a toy - sticks, the water hose, leaves, and yes, even hot dog buns.
"Don't eat all the vegetables."
Most parents cannot imagine ever needing to admonish their kids to not eat vegetables. I mean, isn't that a part of the Childhood Code of Conduct? Thou shalt not willingly eat vegetables (especially green ones)? And yet, things happen. Recently my employer partnered with a local company to offer a "virtual farmers' market" at my office. You order over the Internet and on Friday your goodies are delivered right to your work place. It's absolutely brilliant; fresh grown veggies, fruits, artisan breads, gourmet pastas all with the click of a mouse. So a couple weeks ago I bring home a pound bag of whole green beans. The kids fell to with enthusiasm. Fantastic. Except three nights later, they came home from school, went directly to the fridge, pulled out the bag and started eating. "Hey, don't eat all the vegetables! We won't have anything for dinner!" The Hubby and I looked at each other. "Did you ever think you'd have to say that?" "Nope."
"Please, play on the computer."
In an age where kids are obese at earlier and earlier ages, this is a no brainer. Hours in front of the TV or a computer have robbed kids of the need - or indeed the desire - to play outside. Right? Um, maybe. My two spend a fair amount of time outside simply because we don't allow them in the house on nice days, especially as "nice days" are numbered in Pittsburgh in the fall. However, The Boy has to wear a patch over one eye for 30 minutes a day. The eye doctor wants him to wear it when he has to do something that requires a lot of visual stimulation. Needless to say, The Boy detests wearing a patch and tries to avoid it all costs. "You have to wear your eye patch." "No, I don't want to." "If you put it on, I'll let you play on the computer for an extra 30 minutes." "No, I don't want to." Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I was begging my kid to play on the computer, not to get off it. Amazing.
These are only a few examples. I'm sure there are others. I'm sure I'll say more. I'm sure that if I opened up submissions to parents across the globe, I'd get some real humdingers. And if I collected them all up in book form, it would probably be a New York Times #1 Best Seller. It's just a part of parenting.
Erma Bombeck would be proud.
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