Okay, I know. You can't really get a driver's license out of a Cracker Jack box. But as I watch other drivers, especially during my daily commute, I really have to wonder.
Take Friday. I'm heading northbound out of the city. Two solid lanes of traffic for miles, creeping along at less than 10 miles per hour. Must be an accident. Or a disabled car. This stinks, especially at 5:00 on a Friday. But what are you going to do?
Sure enough, I soon see flashing lights ahead. Must be some accident. We creep closer. Definitely a big accident. There are police, tow trucks, fire, ambulance, the works. All on the southbound side of the highway. Wait, southbound? Yes, that's right. All the excitement is on the opposite side of a divided highway. None of the production should be interfering with northbound traffic. What the heck? So I've been creeping along for the last 30 minutes because of rubberneckers? Ding, ding! The minute traffic moves past the accident scene everything opens up. You would think that people would have better things to do at 5:00 on a Friday. I know I do - it's called going home. Duh.
Or take this genius. Intersection of two roads, both two lanes - one in each direction. Road coming down the hill widens to two turning lands, right and left, and the lane for traffic going up the hill. Morning, and there is a line of cars waiting at the red light waiting to make the left. Mr. "I'm More Important Than You" pulls out into oncoming traffic zips up to the light, and then makes a left turn against the red light! Here's a real rocket scientist for you, boy. I mean, I'm not talking about a couple of back country roads where you might see a car every 45 minutes. The road he turned on to is a major artery into the city and heavily traveled, especially during the rush hours. So what this jag-off did was not only incredibly stupid and incredibly illegal, but incredibly dangerous. But of course he was in a hurry. That makes it all right.
I could go on, but you get the drift. Otherwise rational people get behind the wheel of a car and become absolute maniacs. It's like there's a circuit that runs from the ignition to the driver's seat. When you turn the key, two things happen. First, the car starts. Second, an electrical impulse is sent through the steering column, across the floor panel, and up the seat into your derriere. When this impulse reaches your brain, all ability to think is shut off. Yeah, you know how to push the accelerator and turn the wheel, but such simple thoughts such as "Maybe I shouldn't cut off that Mack truck if I'm driving a Civic," are gone. Poof. Like magic.
Some people I know are in favor of equipping vehicles with rockets, to blow up these bozos. I'm not so harsh. Stupidity should not be an automatic death sentence (unless you are a Darwin Award recipient, of course). I would, however, like a set of laser beams positioned perfectly to blow out tires. Zap! and watch the tires of the car disintegrate and the vehicle come to a screeching halt. And the driver has to pay to replace those tires. Do it enough times and the cost alone should be a deterrent.
Here's another idea. OnStar, the company that makes all that communication and navigation technology found in GM vehicles, recently announced a new service. They can send a signal to the car that turns off the engine and renders the vehicle impossible to start. The intention is that if your car is stolen, you can call OnStar, they can determine if it is being driven, and then stop it until the police arrive. All we have to do is expand this service to allow people to report idiot drivers. Imagine the call:
"OnStar, this is Kelly. How may I help you?"
"Hi, the GMC Canyonero in front of me just made an illegal turn on red and cut me off. Can you shut him down?"
"Of course. Do you have the license number of the Canyonero?"
"Yes, ABC-1234."
"One moment." Pause. "I'm sending the signal now. The Canyonero should be slowing."
"Yes, he's drifting off to the right-hand shoulder. Thanks!"
"No problem. Is there anything else I can assist you with?"
"No, thanks. You guys are awesome!"
Just think about it. How liberating for those of us who understand that turning on the ignition should not be connected to turning off the powers of higher reasoning.
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