The "me" in "team"

There is a popular saying that goes "There is no 'I' in team." Maybe not, but there is an "m" and an "e," and together they spell "me," which is just as bad.

For the past two years at her dance studio, my daughter has been part of two "teams"; an advanced gymnastics team and a non-competitive performance team that does community events (shows at senior centers, nursing homes, parades, etc.). This year, she upped her game and made the competitive "team," actually learning a solo and a group routine and taking it on the road to compete against other studios.

It has been a mostly good experience. She's done very well for it being her first year and only being 10 years old. She's grown in skill and confidence, and it showed at her last recital. At 10, she knows who she is, and has a good sense of herself. And that is good.

But you'll notice something. I put the word "team" in quotations marks in the above paragraph. That's because she belongs to a "team" only in the loosest sense of the word. In fact, another mother recently call this "the most dysfunctional team" she's ever known.

And she's right.

Stop for a moment and think. Have you ever been part of a team? If you have, you know teams have rules. You will wear this uniform. You will be at practice. You will be at the game at a certain time. You will stay for the entire game, which includes congratulations at the end (either receiving or giving). You will ride the team bus to remote events (sports games, academic competitions, whatever). If you go someplace and stay overnight, you will stay in the hotel designated by the school or sponsoring organization.

Period. End of story. Don't like it? There's the door. Don't let it hit you on the way out. Because if you can't live with those rules, the team will find someone who can.

None of that exists with my daughter's dance team. Girls showed up at competitions the bare minimum of time before they were scheduled to compete, and left as soon as humanly possible afterwards, in some cases not even staying for awards. One girl's mother yanked her out of the group less than 3 weeks before the recital, and a month and a half before our National competition, necessitating choreography changes in a routine that these girls have been doing since January (fortunately, another girl agreed to step in, so the changes have been minimal).

Girls (and parents) are complaining that they have to rehearse through July to get ready for Nationals. Parents don't want to buy uniform warm-up gear (they have a black and white warm up suit, but it is NOT suitable for July - way too warm).

Our Nationals are being held in Lancaster. One of the moms proposed renting a bus so we all don't have to drive. People didn't want to travel together. They wanted to arrive on their schedule and leave on their schedule. Some asked if they really needed to be present for the entire 4 days.

We were told that the group would be taking a day trip to Hershey Park. Over half the team has not turned in their forms or money. It was due June 1.

We were told that we would all be staying at the same hotel. Half the team has not turned in their hotel reservation sheets. They were due June 1. The resort is now booked, and many of the surrounding hotels are similarly booked. If I have to sleep in my car, I'll be ticked.

Are you sensing a pattern here?

The irony is that many of these same parents have looked at other studios and said, "Gee, they're so together. We should be like that."

Um, that requires a bit more effort on your part than what I'm seeing.

It's sad, in a way. What my daughter should be learning is the benefit of being part of a group of people with a shared goal - working, learning, and growing together. What she's seeing is a group of people who are primarily concerned with "me," and the group comes second. It's about what they want, not about what's best for the group.

The bottom line is that if you want to belong to a team, you have to make sacrifices. Time, treasure or talent - all usually must be contributed. And that means that maybe you have to defer your movie night to go to practice. Maybe your family can't go on vacation this weekend, you have to go next weekend. Maybe you can't sleep in on Saturday, because you have to be at the pool, or the gym, or the dance studio. Whatever.

The bottom line is that you make these sacrifices because you want to be part of the team. And it's not about you, it's about something bigger.

And that's good training for life. I'd really like to not get up at 6:30 in the morning and go to work. But I do it because I want certain things for my family and that requires money. At work, there are things I don't particularly enjoy or like doing. But I do them because it's not about me, it's about what's good for the company or the client.

Life is all about checking your ego at the door. It's about recognizing that the universe does not revolved around you. And all too often, I see parents leading by the wrong example. Why should we be surprised if we are raising self-indulgent children? Children only sometimes learn from our words, but they frequently learn from our actions. If we act only in our own interest, how can we expect them to learn anything different?

Our studio owner, unfortunately, can't say anything any more because she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. But I can, and I say this.

If you want to be part of the team, leave your ego behind. Make it about the team, not about you. Be a part of something bigger than yourself. And if you can't handle it, don't join the team.

In other words, "Shut up and dance - or go home."